You’re probably already chanting the beginning of “I HAVE A DREAM.” Ha ha, jokes. But really, I did have dream last night.
Yeah, I know, this is no miracle. We all have dreams. I’ve got this weird thing with dreams where I feel like I need to find the meaning of them. Like why did I dream of these people? WHY!
I remember almost all of my dreams, sometimes I feel like I might be psychic. Seriously! Déjà vu strikes me on a regular basis, guys. And I dream about every person I freaking meet.
Friends I went to elementary school with, celebrities, boys I’ve kissed, family members… They all make a special appearance at some point during my slumber.
You see I’m rambling now but I can’t help it.
Yesterday was one of those days. You know, when nothing seems to go right. To be honest with you, the past week has been a good series of those days.
(I’ll get to the dream, I promise.)
Seeing the cost of school rise, my bank account in a mess of negatives, spending hours trying to get Honestly Song back online (who knows how long it was down), receiving my novel’s first rejection, watching my family struggle…
But you know what? Everything is going to be okay.
I don’t usually share these things because I’m not a fan of receiving sympathy. But if I don’t, it means I have to make excuses. And I don’t want to make excuses.
So after days of being on the verge of tears, something had to give.
If you know me, you probably see me carry a little book in my hand all the time. I realize how strange it is I must look like I’m writing about people around me (jesus I’m such a hermit). But okay, confession, sometimes I do. Most of what I write are ideas (top secret) but there are loads of thoughts in there, and I’m going to start share some (baby steps…).
Anyway, this is when I started to realize that everything would be okay.
Pappa and I went down to the pier last night, after the sun was gone and the streets were empty. It was the first time it had stopped raining in weeks, and the air was crisp and smelled of salt from the sea. I sat on the rocks on the edge of the fjord.
There was one star in the sky that made the rest of them shine. If you only looked at that one star, you could see the rest of them.
Seeing all the stars flickering in the sky reminded me how meaningless all our lives are. How small we are.
I could see a warm light, a glow, behind the dark shadow of clouds, as if there were people in the sky, living on without us while we were fast asleep. I thought maybe the light was coming from the other side of the world. And suddenly, everything just felt placed, even if nothing was in place.
Everything will be okay.
Maybe it was the calm of the sea, rippling and splashing against the rocks.
Or maybe it was the way the shadows in the sky blew away, revealing the millions of lights, far from us, shimmering in the night.
It’s as if the world had stopped for me—for us—to say the it’s going to be all right. That we will find a way. And that no matter what happens, one person will understand. Even if you haven’t met them yet.
Even if you never meet them.
So yes. I’m not sure if it was the stars or the sea. Or the man who came to visit yesterday and opened his door to me.
I don’t know.
But I knew I would sleep better last night. I did sleep better last night. And I had this dream (yes, finally, the dream) I was playing in a volleyball tournament at the sand courts in Alaska. My little cousin, who has never played volleyball before, was my partner, and all the people I grew up with appeared at some point. Classmates, teammates, friends… There were some other people there that knew me (but when I woke up I realized I have no idea who they were) and they were all so lovely!
Okay, I’m trying not to get weird and mushy about a dream, but it was freaking fantastic.
It was utterly nostalgic. The reason it affected me so much is because it reminded me of me. Of the person I am. And I realized how so often I’m not being me. Tragic!
But I mean this in the smallest ways more than anything.
You probably think I’m some cheesy guru gal trying to say something inspirational but I have no idea what the point is honestly.
I woke up this morning to a text from my mom saying she might move onto someone’s couch and I thought, christ we are actually the same person.
It made me smile.
Then I got ready (and practically dropped every goddamn thing I tried to pick up), got out of the house early, and queued all my old music. So yeah, there’s rap and boy bands and rock & roll back on the playlist.
And it feels fucking great!
I listened to 5 Seconds of Summer on the way back down to the pier and jammed. No shame.
I don’t know, I feel good.
Stars. The sea. A dream. Who knows. Who cares? I realized: I might not be able to afford a fancy education, I might not be a published author for a while, and I might not be able to do the things I planned to do tomorrow.
At least not yet.
I’m gonna let life hit me until it gets tired, then I’ll hit it back. You can kill the dreamer’s dreams but you can’t kill the dreamer!