I know not being successful is part of it but I’m not so sure it’s failure. Maybe it’s a fear of not being happy.
That’s probably it. Fear of the dark.
When someone asks you what you’re scared of, more likely than not, we say something like spiders or sharks. Maybe butterflies. I don’t know. But what puts me on edge the most is unknown. Uncertain.
Anything that can take away happiness. The light.
The worst part about loss is that it strikes holes in our lives when you don’t see it coming. And I don’t mean loss of life, particularly. It could be anything that arrives without warning.
To provide a straight answer to this, I don’t know. But I got to thinking about this today, and there are a few things that really make my stomach swim.
Like the thought of…
Being alone. Ironic, being a person that enjoys my own company. Although, I mean alone—lost in a world where I have no one to go to or care about or love. I think the only thing worse than not being loved is not being able to love.
Hurting someone. Intentional or not, guilt is unforgiving.
Being hated. I wonder about this a lot. I wonder why. Being disliked is different than being hated. To me, I find it a complete mystery, and something I don’t quite understand. It’s strange how hate rarely comes with a reason. It only comes with a word. A really strong word. And the hate isn’t present when the hater is present. Is it the people in the middle who hate? The ones who tell? Really, I suppose it doesn’t matter who it is, the idea of being hated… I won’t finish that sentence, because I couldn’t the first time. It terrifies me.
Losing my dreams. Whenever I’m feeling off or at my lowest, I usually find it difficult to envision the next day. When I’m striving for something, I can usually see myself living the goal—pulling my book off a shelf in Barnes and Noble or walking the carpet at a film premiere. That’s when I’m confident and motivated. When times get tough, sometimes our dreams are all we have. It’s like a little push. Without it, everything becomes a bit meaningless.
Imprisonment. Not jail (although that doesn’t sound too fun), but the loss of freedom. The inability to make my own decisions, say what I feel, talk to who I choose to and go where I desire. Restriction is such a terrible thing to feel. I am truly lucky to have the amount of freedom that I do. I also think that freedom is something you can achieve by overcoming certain pressures. And I’d hate to be pressed down.
Getting lost in the dark. Ooh, corny. Yes, but if you’ve ever been in a pitch-black room, you’ll know that when you can’t see, it’s hard to breathe and you lose all sense of space. It’s like plunging into nothingness. Being sad and not knowing why. How do you crawl out of something when you don’t know what it is?
Because if we can’t find a reason to smile, then what are we doing?