I was scrolling past some articles recently, all related to winter, and thought that’s silly, it can’t be winter still. Can it?! Then I realized it is still cold outside, there’s snow in the forecast, and I am nowhere close to escaping the grey.
I have the winter blues.
Okay, I’m not going to pretend I know a definition for whatever the “winter blues” are; I just know that it’s currently winter and if I had to choose a color to express how I’m feeling it would be blue. After walking around like a zombie and finding myself incapable of waking up to my alarm, I knew something was wrong. I think it has something to do with the darkness and how long it sticks around for, which seems to be FOREVER. And the fact that the season doesn’t seem to want to change makes it feel like there is no room for change anywhere—we’re just stuck, and everything will remain static.
It’s not the same as depression; I don’t feel helpless. It feels more like whatever resistance I’m up against is at it’s fullest and I can’t move forward anymore. Or like everything around me is slowly falling off the walls, and I’m beginning to lose sight of whatever I wanted to look to before. It doesn’t feel like rock bottom—it’s more like floating around without a string attached and you see all the options but can’t reach any of them. Have you ever felt like that? Like not even gravity is strong enough to keep you grounded.
There are so many things I would like to do but the will to do any of them vanished. Then I caught myself eating lunch today and all I was thinking about what I was going to making for dinner and thought, “thank god, I’m okay.”
I’m not going mad yet, guys.
I’ve taken a lot of big risks in my life, which also might be contributing to this blue mood. Not because I regret any of them (most definitely not), but how it’s effected other people. The negative consequences of these risks don’t frighten me—in fact I’m more frightened by the fact that everything that could backfire on me doesn’t scare me much at all. I fear the disappointment of the people who support me. But do the consequences only happen if we allow them to? Does that mean I’m giving up?
Or is it just a lack of luck?
This is what has been skipping through my mind recently. On top of being incredibly homesick (not that I have a home, but maybe that’s the problem). However, I could use some west coast love.
I guess what I’m really afraid of, is not being able to do what I love to do because the world won’t let me. The thought of having to give it all up makes me sad. So I hope you all know I wouldn’t give up on any of it for the world; even if it seems like I’ve hit a bump. I’m constantly working. And I’m more lucky than ever to be able to, thank to my parents.
So I’ll take a moment to thank my parents for being the best goddamn parents in the world. You both always say, “that’s what parents do,” but they don’t! I know many people with parents and they don’t parent like you guys parent. You guys are some weird mofos.
So basically, I think my blues are caused by the fear of giving my mom and dad the blues?
If you do feel like you’re having the winter blues—or just the blues—remember that you have a choice. It always gives you a little sense of strength, knowing that you get to. And if not, well… spring will come.
I’m choosing to go put a batch of cookies in the oven now. So I’ll be just fine. But now you know where I’ve been, and I intend to stay here more frequently.